Week 13

This week's trip was exhausting, and I definitely need some recovery. But in the middle of that tiredness, I was finally able to relax my mind a little. That space led me to write the article What Breaks Are For? — not some huge revelation, but a small shift worth holding onto.

I also finished The Idiot by Dostoyevsky, and it left a strong impression. One of the things I keep thinking about is kindness. People often say kindness is weakness, and usually we try to reject that and insist it is simply good. But I think the book shows something more uncomfortable: in a world driven by power, status, money, and self-interest, kindness really can be taken advantage of, distorted, or crushed.

That is probably why I resonate with the idea that kindness should come from strength, not helplessness. There is a difference between being good because you are incapable of doing harm and being good while also having the strength to say no, stand your ground, and protect what matters. Sometimes people hide behind softness, not because they are noble, but because they are afraid.

Therapy is getting harder, which I think means it is working. I am starting to go deeper, and that will probably require better ways to cope with some of the pain that comes with it.

I am also still wondering whether I should give up alcohol entirely. And if the answer is yes, I am still trying to understand how and when.

— Hubby