Week 14

I messed up my sleep again this week. The stress is heavier than usual, and I think I know why: this feeling that I could lose all the jobs. Not just one. All of them. And the hard part is not only that I would need to find something else, but that maybe I won't. I started looking this week — the websites I knew about, the ones with remote positions — and there is almost nothing. Not for my skills, not right now. I still need to check LinkedIn, which I think is the best option. But between what I saw and the people around us who cannot find even a first job, it is hard not to feel the weight of it. For a man especially, there is something deeply unsettling in feeling that the ground under him is no longer solid.

Until now, I think I lived with this sense that the road was still open. Infinite possibilities, infinite opportunities, all you had to do was choose. Lately it feels less like that. More and more, it seems that knowing the right people matters as much as being capable, maybe more. I really dislike that. But I also know that whatever comes, even if it is ugly for a while, I will not stop. Maybe this pressure will force me to work more seriously on the applications. Maybe it will push us toward new people. We will see.

One thing that genuinely calmed me was sitting down and planning the month around the income we actually have. It is not perfect — I still missed one or two things, and the yard project adds another moving part. But even imperfect clarity is better than vagueness. Not knowing is always heavier than knowing.

The bigger question is still there in the background, the one we usually avoid: what we are going to do when we are old. I have no pension, no real savings, no investments. I thought again about whether I should start investing, but I do not think that is the right move yet. With the two apartments, we are already approaching almost one thousand euros per month. It makes more sense to me to keep building there — pay in advance where we can, buy more, strengthen something tangible. Apartments give monthly income, but they also remain behind us as something real, something we can leave to our daughter. First build stability there. Then think about the rest.

I am glad we finally started on the yard. When I was younger I used to dream about this — having a place that contains everything I need, that lets me do the things I love without having to leave home. Because leaving home always creates uncertainty. I have to plan my time, share things with other people, give up control over how the day goes. I do not really like that. So building the yard the way I want it is not just a project. It is part of how I want to live — a life where I need less from the outside and can be more fully here, in what is ours.

Therapy is still helping me, but not in the simple way people usually mean. It is not only the session itself. It is the way it changes how I look at things after the session ends — I keep thinking, keep searching, keep trying to understand more deeply. And I think part of why it works is exactly because this therapist does not pretend to have all the answers. She approaches what I bring with curiosity, and she is able to admit when she does not know.

I think that is rarer than it should be. A lot of therapists, once they have seen the same pattern enough times, start recognizing the category too quickly. They hear the pain and begin guiding the person toward what they already expect to find. Sometimes they are right. But sometimes they stop listening. Experience matters, but curiosity matters too. Sometimes curiosity is more valuable, because it keeps a person honest. It keeps them open.

I think I am learning that from her — to stay curious even when things feel heavy.

This was a heavier week. The ground feels less certain than it used to. But I am still here, still thinking, still trying to build something solid for us. That has not changed, and I do not think it will.

— Hubby